Woes of motherhood

I am a mother, and seriously, it is “Not” the greatest job in the world. There are so many things about motherhood that I do not agree with.

For example: You know how every woman says that popping a child out of her womb was the happiest, most joyful moment in her life. It s all bullshit, I tell you….bulllllshittt!

How can labor of anywhere between 10 to 40 hours, where every 30 seconds you bear unimaginable pain, be the most joyful moment of your life?

And guess what, it doesn’t end there, it is followed by 365 days of sleepless nights, sleepless days, and a complete transformation from a young nubile woman to a misshapen ghost. Oh and dark circles are best experienced in motherhood.

So yes, I have been a mom for 7 years now, and guess what, in the last 7 years, there have only been 5-6 such occasions where I have been able to dwell in my bath for more than 15 minutes.

My standard 5 minute time to poop is usually interrupted atleast 5 times with my kids, banging, scratching, pushing or generally whining at the bathroom door.

Toilet paper is the most in demand commodity in my house. Sometimes, I feel my kids don’t use it, they consume it like candy.

And the best part of it all when you say “No”, it just means your kids will start hanging on to you like a sloth and repeating their request with a prefix and postfix of “Pleeeeaaaaasssseee!”

Let’s not forget being judged; especially by these pesky non-parents who seem to believe they have their parenting philosophy down to a “T”.

When my son greets them with a, “Hi”, they make a face and respond with “Good morning Siddharth!”. I should tell them that you are the lucky one, my son actually bothered to raise his head from the ipad, while he is midst of finishing the final level of Shark Attack.

But of course, you pesky non-parents would not get that. You would judge me for using the ipad as a convenient baby sitter and a source of entertainment. Well, judge all you want, you would thank smart phone and tablet manufacturers when you join the motherhood bandwagon.

Oh and let’s talk about those unrealistically perfect mother’s who give no junk food to their kids and limit recreational/TV viewing hours to 30 minutes a day. I want to ask them something, seriously, don’t you have a life. Don’t you want to do really important and meaningful stuff when your child is glued to the TV? For example: Bitch about your mother in law to your best friend, or discuss that annoyingly perfect mom at school, who is always prim, wears Versace and carries Louis Vitton. Hell, even her child’s school bag is a Tommy.

Perhaps, the most annoying part about motherhood are the grandparents. They seem to know exactly what needs to be done when. As if they have raised perfect specimens of mankind. Case in point, yours truly!

If you think motherhood is scary by now, you haven’t experienced the scariest part yet. When finally after 2 years you visit a club with friends or spouse, only because your parents or inlaws have grudgingly agreed to babysit your monsters. You will see a bunch of 17 something girls drunk and falling all over the place, a bunch of 17 something boys, running around carrying 2 of these drunk girls in each arms and there would be whispers of ecstasy and LSD. Your heart would stop, your eyes would be wide, and you will promise yourself that next month you are moving to a convent with your kids and never looking back.

So yes, I am a mother,

My house will never be spot less, it will be rife with toys. So watch your step.

I know you are very affectionate towards my children, but if you wake them, you take them.

I will always be tired, and if I am taking a nap, don’t you dare wake me, lest you want to experience the fire-breathing dragon.

I will whip up a meal in half an hour; it will not be gourmet, it will not be healthy either. But you better not make a face.

And finally, bear in mind, if you say a single unsavory word about my kids, you ex-girlfriend/stalker would be the least of your problems.